Some times the worst part about Asperger’s syndrome isn’t how it makes me feel or over emote. Some times it’s cruelest of all to me when an earth shattering event happens in my life. I know I should feel heart broken, saddened, devastated, inconsolable. but the vast landscape of my emotions are as dry and barren as the Serengeti.
My friend died last night around 2 am from brain cancer. I know I should feel something right now. I love my friends very much and in a lot of respects CJ could relate to me in ways that many people couldn’t. I know that I’m never going to see her again. I’ll never sit with her as she makes origami, and I knit during a craft night, I’ll never see her smile, or hear her laugh, or her delightful words of encouragement when I’m not sure of my self. I’ll take to the grave the memory that the last time I ever saw her she wanted to give me a hug and I was just not up for being touched that day.
I’ll always question if I was a good enough friend. when she was in the hospital, I couldn’t fight my way threw the emotional triggers of being in a hospital to go visit her. I couldn’t even make single crane for her. All I could do was sit by the side lines and let her husband know he and CJ were in my thoughts.
I wish I could feel. I wish I could register in my brain the sensations and flood of emotions that should be occurring right now. But I’m unable to register the ‘normal’ or ‘appropriate’ spectrum of emotions that I know are what the situation calls for. And I don’t know what to do about it.