First I want to express that while I know there are those of my friends that will instinctively worry about me when they read this. Please don’t. I’ll be ok, yes it’s tough but it’s not a new fight to me, and while I may let it get me down, I don’t let it get me out. Now that I have said that….
“Stab me again the pain lets me know that I’m still here, that the vast and grey and murky depths haven’t consumed me, causing me to be the nothing that I feel like on a nearly daily basis.” That’s really what I’m some times saying when I tell my friends that I’m happy for them when they regale me with stories about their happy love lives. I know that it’s not what they mean to do, I know it’s not their intention to jab me with tiny invisible daggers, and for them, I hide my pain and strife. It’s never really all that clear when I’m going to be angst, sad and depressed over my destitute singleness. So incase you’re wondering no I don’t always feel that way when you share about your happiness. Nine times out of ten I am genuinely overwhelmed with happy for you and please don’t stop sharing just because you know that some times it’s jabbing me with an invisible knife and then rubbing salt in the brand new wound with all the gentle caress of a fire ant as it bites and nips at a restrained victim.
“Words cannot express how much I want to punch you for saying that right now, so I’m just going to go with this trusted stand by.” Is what I’m really saying most of the time when I’m told “I don’t see why you’re complaining? Being in a relationship isn’t really all it’s cracked up to be, I miss being single;” and I respond with “I suppose but it just doesn’t feel that way to me.” or when I respond with “That is easy to say for some one who hasn’t been single for their entire adult life.” More importantly when you say those things in response to my state of depression over being single, you use those words to address my fears that I will die alone. You express a complete devaluation of the very real pain and fears I’m feeling in that moment. In the same breath, you taunt me with that which I desire and then throw it into oncoming traffic only to get obliterated by an oncoming semi-truck by saying that you don’t even want your relationship that you’re in, that you feel constricted by it. It makes me want to scream at Olympus, demanding answers from Cupid and Aphrodite them selves why they waste the gift of love on people like you.
(Sarcastic voice) “Ohh yeah let me get right on that whole over coming the crippling fear and social anxiety. I’ll just magically pull the ability to breath in large crowds and meeting new people out of my ass.” Is what I’m really saying when I give a dismissive response of any nature to your suggestions that I just go out to new venues and try to meet people. Yeah because it’s not like I have never actually tried that before. It’s not like I know how my body is going to react because my mind starts to evaluate every nightmarishly horrible scenario that could play out in the new place that I’m experiencing. No matter how unlikely or implausible those scenarios might be that are playing out, the abject terror that I feel because of them are very real, and I want to curl up into a ball and cry. Little secret, some times I do, and if you think not being able to talk is unattractive to most people? Just imagine what crying, in a corner, in the fetal position will do for your dating credibility.
“I don’t waste my time on lost causes” is what I hear when you refuse to assist me by possibly introducing me to a friend that’s single. Yes your motivation maybe to help me by forcing me to wade into the waters of the dating pool alone. But I wouldn’t be asking you for help in the first place if I didn’t think I needed it.
I’ve reached that stage in my life where I’ve come to a sort of depressed acceptance. I will most likely die alone many years from now. Statistically your ability to find a compatible partner after the age of thirty drops drastically from where it was in your mid twenties. When you couple that with not being able to go to the normal dating scenes because my brain literally makes my body shut down in that environment. The chances of me ever finding some one out side of my existing friendship circle is ridiculously low. I wouldn’t be surprised if the actual number was literally 1 in 3 billion or so. So that’s said, I feel better some what. I got it off my chest, moving on.